When Words Fail

Befriend: act as a friend by offering help or support

I usually have a LOT of words, especially in prayer. I talk to God all day long. "Pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

One of my closest friends died in October. She was young and vibrant, and to say I was crushed doesn’t touch the darkness I felt. I went a little numb in my prayers. They were feeble, inadequate. “God, take care of Kristin. Comfort her family.” That’s about all I had in me, and it felt horrible. I was so upset with myself. When people I barely know pass away, I have all sorts of elaborate prayers I say for them and their loved ones. Now, words failed me.

Unfortunately, that was only the beginning. The day after Kristin died, my dad was admitted to the hospital for ten days. My soundtrack was more beeps and doctors being paged than Our Fathers. In the twelve days following Kristin’s death, two of my cousins, a friend of my husband’s, and my mom passed away.

I had an even harder time praying once it was my mom. My prayer life became asking other people to pray for me.

By early December, my dad was back in the hospital.

In early January, my sister, Barb, died.

My prayer became one sentence. I repeated it whenever I tried to pray.

“Jesus, I got nothing.”

That was it.

“Jesus, I got nothing.”

This felt terrible to me. It was impossible to pray the Rosary, so occasionally I’d turn on Hallow and let the app say it for me, but I wasn’t really even listening. I wondered if I was a terrible person, unable to pray, or, maybe if my faith was deep enough that telling Jesus I had no words was God telling me that was okay, that He understood and would cover me.

I know, I promised you miracles, so here it is.

In March, I attended a retreat. I have been going for several years, and I know more or less what to expect, even though the theme changes annually - but is always exactly what I need. One or two of the retreat staff give witness talks, which is, for me, a big highlight. I love hearing how God shows up in people’s lives.

This year, I packed my bags, and went off to the retreat center as usual, really just looking forward to a break from the weight on my shoulders.

I arrived to learn in the first meeting of the weekend that the theme was Prayer. (I told you the theme is always perfect!)

There is one retreat team member who never gives a witness talk but always gives an informative and fascinating presentation, full of information, but nothing too personal. I love it and take tons of notes from the slides he shows, and my journals are full of his quotes and insights.

To my surprise, this year he gave a witness talk. To my shock, he spoke about a season very close to what I was experiencing, and disclosed that for a while, after a series of deaths in his family (including his mother) that he was unable to pray. Yes, at Mass, as I was, but other than that, the daily well of prayer had gone dry.

This was the miracle I was looking for, and the Holy Spirit orchestrated this so beautifully. The Spirit showed me that this is acceptable, that we can just lean fully on the Lord and not try to do everything ourselves, even to speak.

My prayer life has been more active than ever from the moment I heard that witness talk.

For years I had a note taped to the inside of my coffee cup cupboard, where I’d be sure to see it every day:

“Good morning, this is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help so have a great day.”

Give the Lord everything you have, even when it is nothing. He will handle it.